Gurges

­I get Gurges. 

Game urges. 

I get inclination to play games that I've played and completed before. Nothing really remarkable about that right? 

However, I've noticed that I want to play the same games around the same time I did the year before. Recently, it's been Mass Effect 3. But you know you can't just play 3, you have to go through them all to get to 3. 

Thanks to a little social media app thingy it tells me I had the same desire to indulge myself with Femshep the same time the year before and the year before that. Is there anything to this? Does anyone else go through the desire to play games the same time of year? I wonder if it's because we invested so much time in a new game when it was fresh and glorious our brains remember "hey you felt really good this time last year, thanks to that new gaming experience, maybe you should play it again so we get that same rush again". 

Shuggah! /Pic Creds

I’m not a Scientist nor am I very technical so forgive me for any mistakes I may make in these next few sections. Most of this was not common knowledge to me before I started writing.

I decided to look in to why this may be the case and wondered if it’s something to do with how your body responds to stimuli from its environment, like in Seasonal Affective Disorder, and how your brain records that experience. There is such a phrase as ‘Body Chemistry Memory’ or 'Cellular Memory' which is somewhat on the Skepticism list and I feel it doesn't quite capture what I am trying to define/answer. Chemical reactions don’t “remember” how to react, they just respond depending upon the factors involved. When those same conditions are met each time the response would be the same right?

 In psychology we are taught that through experience we develop schema, a kind of framework in which we use each time we encounter that situation. (Enter a Library= must be silent. Wait for green man to cross the road otherwise you’ll die etc). That is what is stored in our brain, so, now bare with me here, when our bodies react to our environment they would produce a physiological and psychological response simultaneously that the brain retains, yes? So when those conditions occur again our brain recalls that information and gives the same response “oh hey the last time this happened we responded like this so that means we have to respond in the same way” now it does this regardless whether we responded to the experience in a positive or negative way. I’d imagine similar to SAD when the body is overwhelmed by certain environmental conditions that it doesn't produce the appropriate response. 

How does this relate to games? Haad on man, I’m getting there!

KA-ME-HA-ME-CONTRA! /Pic Creds

Countless studies have been conducted on the effects of video games on behaviour but I only found a few actually relating to brain chemistry. Mostly, researchers have focused upon negative stimuli presented by games, i.e violence and how that affects the person afterwards. In one study, that has been cited in various places, but the original source from a Japanese news website eludes me, monitored the Beta waves of folks who don’t play videogames (they exist!) and people who play them an awful lot (like me and you). Beta waves indicate frontal lobe activity which is responsible for emotions and creativity. Seems us gamers have zero beta waves and no signs of our brains in a resting mode while we are playing games and this doesn't change or revert to a “normal” level after the game is switched off. The original researcher suggested this is the reason people who play videogames for long periods of time are prone to personality and anti-social behaviour. Another writer talking about this study mentioned the possibility that the brain perceives the games as real hence the behavioural changes and the brain not being in a “rested” mode so playing games to relax is simply not the case where our brains are concerned! The latter I agree with, however the original study, and many others like it, didn't measure the participants’ predisposition to anti-social behaviour or anxiety or even to violent behaviour. They would have had to monitor those who never played videogames and ask them to gradually increase the hours of game time and record brainwaves to really say if it was the game that contributed to the behavioural changes.

SCIENCE! /Pic Creds

Most videogame research is based around the effects of violence and mature content in games and how that possibly contributes to a person being violent themselves. We all know by now that ALL media exposes us to these same things every day. Videogames are blamed for desensitising people to the violence of war and criminal acts but we are seeing more and more of these images being broadcast by the news and in some cases glorified by other media. They used to block out images of dead children and bloody missing limbs you know. They don’t now. That shit sells. It’s constantly happening around the world and we are shown these images all the time it’s almost becoming the norm.

I did find a gem of an article (while finding the above pictures so it's the same link) about the BENEFITS of gaming to help treat psychological disorders as our brains are “trained” to grow bigger during play. Best quote:-


“These brain regions are involved in functions such as spatial navigation, memory formation, strategic planning and fine motor skills of the hands. Increasingly, the level of connectivity between brain areas is being linked to higher intelligence and consciousness.”- Christopher Bergland 2013

You guys and read more here and the source is here (journal link) if you have access to the journal. I don’t so I’m a little disappointed I can’t read the full thing.

What I can’t seem to find is anything relating to videogames and Happy emotional responses. I suppose because that subject is not in vogue and parents and officials want something to blame for anti-social and pathological teenagers.

Clicky for Snippet on one such study/ Pic Creds same source.

If our brains perceive the game as a real experience and increases fear, anxiety and paranoia when playing violent/war/horror/shooters that continues to last after the game has been switched off then surely it would mean that games that make you feel happy/elated/inspired/successful should also continue to last after the game is switched off?

Why would the brain, if it perceives the game as a real experience, want to experience it again? Especially since most games are a creator driven narrative that the player can’t change the outcome. Even the desire to play those violent war/shooter games constantly, why would the brain want to experience what is essentially a traumatic experience?

Apart from when this happened. Sorry Moira/ Pic Creds: Me!

Where does the desire to play the game again possibly come from? A basic response to seasonal associations? Not necessarily to do with the seasons in the weather sense, but our psychological associations to a period of time in our lives. Again, studies showing the negatives and connections to Seasonal Disorders (Winter and Suicide for example clicky) but not much on positive seasonal associations. Maybe because it’s not much of a social phenomenon to warrant investigation?

Buy ALL THE THINGS!!! /Pic Creds

Steam Summer Sales, Big Summer releases, Publisher and Dev conventions, Big Christmas releases, highly anticipated titles, teaser Downloadable Content, Half-Life 3?! To us gamers, these are positive seasonal associations. That rush of excitement to play a new release after waiting so long (I’m looking at you Mass Effect 3), that level of elation continues as you play the game which doesn't dissipate after you switch it off. Your brain takes that experience, if we assume it perceived the game as real, and produces a physiological and psychological response. Remember that from earlier? I said that a while back… So even though the game came out a few years ago my body and brain retain that experience and want to repeat it.        

The answer to this, I think, it is because our brains are addicted to their own juices.

Jooocie/ Gif creds

This concept is not new in relation to videogames. The prime framework of gaming addiction theory is the role of endorphin's in gamers. I know too well the consequences of that fine line of enjoyment leading to consumption. When getting to that next level is the briefest euphoria and it all but consumes you like quicksand and you’ll spend money and time to keep your head up just to feel that rush again, but it gets fainter and fainter each time. Until it consumes your life or even takes your life, in extreme cases.

I often liken it to a hollow orgasm. Your 4^th never quite feels like your first, huh? Even for guys I’d imagine it feels similar. That’s the only metaphor I can think of to describe what it’s like, well for me anyway. 

I've tried to find research that wasn't related to the after effects or negativity that surrounds this topic but it seems not many have picked up on this fact that the target groups in these studies are addicted to the chemical produced by the brain as a result of playing instead they focus/blame the game itself. As I said earlier it’s still “in vogue” to use videogames as the scapegoat to explain away behavioural problems in young people. 

It seems fellow gamers and bloggers know what I’m talking about all too well as they have quoted the same guy (clicky) but the academics who study us just don’t want to broach the subject, or maybe they've tried to and their work has been “held back” by the publishers? Or I just can’t find it?

Idunnolol /Pic Creds

I have explored some answers to my questions but I’m still not fulfilled.

I guess some things I've found can explain why I play games repeatedly but not the same game especially where I cannot change the outcome of the narrative or explain why I feel the urge to play it around the same time of year?

I have discovered that it’s not only Endorphin we’re addicted to but a few of its friends too:-

The Happy Chemicals join your party!

Dopamine, the guy who makes you want that next level, the Warrior,

Serotonin, the guy who makes the imagined real and the real imagined, the Mage,

Oxytocin, the guy who makes you emotionally invested, Priest,

And lest we forget;

Endorphin, the guy who makes you euphoric and numb, the Bard.

end. /Pic Creds

Microwave cooking circa 1950's

So found this book:

Thought it would come in handy since our over broke about a year ago and the Landlord said "hey you have a microwave you can still eat"

Yeah coz It's the same thing right?

Holy fudge that looks amazing I'm totally gonna make that no problem!

NAILED IT!

Bone Vs Muscle

I always ask that of fellow Tattooed people. What hurts more? Getting them on muscle or bone?

I'm a loss for words when I try to describe to a new medical professional involved in my case about the type and degree of pain I'm feeling right at that moment and how it compares to other times. They always ask you what the pain is like at the worst time, and where the pain is located. 

I'm Hip FAI post-op so I've be in physio pretty much fortnightly since that day. I've read that some people recover really well and stop physio within a couple of weeks after surgery. It's been almost 2 years since my op. I have other muscular issues as well so don't think that this is normal if you're here to read about the FAI. Trust me, stick to the exercises and stretches they give you afterwards and you'll build up that core strength to aid in the healing process for your hip. It needs stability. 

What I'm stuck with is them giving me a program that centre's around pain management. However, when I describe my pain they immediately fire off with solutions and trials that are based on the pain coming from my muscles.

I have bone pain.

It's totally a thing believe me. Bones can cause you pain by simply not being in the correct position. I think people who suffer shin splints will get what I'm talking about, you can feel your bones splitting when walking or putting weight on them.

Like so.

Depending on the physical activity and how long I do it for (hur hur insert sex joke) my hip joint can lock up and that's it. I'm having trouble now just typing it down what exactly happens but it's not my muscles. My hip joint doesn't sit on the top of my femur properly, so when I over work it, it kinda slips off its base a bit and catches, hence the impingement in the first place. Still happens even after the op so now I get just that shock of pain rather than a prolonged throbbing pain that extended to the muscles from them compensating being in the wrong place.


Folks pre-op will know what I'm talking about too. It's all connected and your body is trying to set you right by pulling everything towards the side that has been impinged. That will get better over time, provided you stick to your program. Oh and if the Doctor tells you to walk on your crutches with your heel off the floor and the physio tells you to leave your heel on the ground, go with the physio! Your thigh muscle will heal shorter and you'll spend ages trying to stretch that bugger back out. Which I'm still trying to do. 

Solutions and programs for bone pain? 

When I know, you'll know.      

Daily Snippet: Spoons well spent

Today I've spent tackling the garden. It's got 10 yrs worth of overgrowth and has been doing whatever the hell it likes for a long time now. I made a promise I would sort it out and I've been cutting, clearing and replanting for over a year now. 

2013

2014
Planted some potatoes along the side. Found a chair!

Today: Before!

Today: After!

It had only recently occurred to me to take Before and After pics. But I can honestly say that was Spoons well spent.

Viennetta in the Bath you say? Cor Decadence! 

(apologies if this shows up twice I tried to post using the app but it's crapp!)

Daily snippet: Voyeurism

According to Blogger I have 1200 page views since I started up last year! 

Yay thanks for the visiting folks!

Yet, I've only had about 5 new subs/tweeters/likers in that time.

Such is the nature of the Internet. And blogging for that matter. Putting personal and private thoughts words out into the void of the Web and the only reciprocation is the knowledge you have been "viewed". 

#SharingSaturday

I would like to thank all the visitors to my page for your support. Even though most of you don't hit that G+ button coz like what does that thing even do?! I re-read that and giggled too... yeah hit my G+ button... hmm. Google did you even notice that? 

Today's post is all about sharing. You guys can keep your #throwbackThursday I wanna start #SharingSaturday. 

This is why:



We've all had one of those days, weeks, months or some of us have even been trapped in our own prisons for years impossible to break free.

It's kinda like you're in a room full of people and you're getting smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter but everyone else is staying the same. Even those in your support network often seem as though they're hard to find in that crowded room. They're trying to find you, oh most assuredly, but you keep making yourself smaller and smaller because the room is just too much. Support only works if you reach out too. I believe this project will help those of us who feel bound by our emotions, trapped in our disabilities and conditions and give us hope and a forever expansive support network. The more people you have in that room to help you, the easier it is for you to find them.

I am a great believer in sending snail mail to people. I have a penpal I have been writing to for over 15 years. You take so much more care in writing letters than you do emails, texts and tweets and it much more satisfying receiving letters that you know someone has taken care to write to you!

I'm well jealous I didn't think of this myself, considering I keep trying to get my friends to write me letters haha.

Link to Support One Million Lovely Letters

Nalabox In Complicated Relationship with: Tomb Raider (2013)

Bet y'all thought I'd say I hate it right? Well, I do.

And I sort of don't.

Me and Lara have had such a turbulent partnership from the outset even before I started to truly play the game. She was to be my first YouTube video upload! But it was not meant to be. My PC, the program I was using and my internet connection was against us from the start. But first impressions aren't always to be taken as they are. You must always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm nice like that. I played the intro of this game repeatedly for 2 weeks until I got it to work. I was already sick of that damn beach, but I wasn't going to let it stop gaining any positive experience of the game, that was just outside factors preventing us from being together.

One of my many distractions. Val @ 3months Old.

I've never played a Tomb Raider game before and thought this would be a good place to start chronologically. Sense made?  

You all saw my moments of joy and rapid escalation into rage at certain points. We all know this game is broken, those gods damn quick-time-only-work-within-certain-pixels-events were a joke. That creepy way she would appear on puppet strings would pull me out of the immersion that we were experiencing that island together. Was that the intention of the game makers? To make us feel like, we are not only witnessing the transformation into the Lara that you all know and love, but that we are experiencing it alongside with her or we are her? I have no idea. Oh boy did I experience that place. It was a very emotionally involving game but not for the game play but the bloody frustration just getting past those glitchy-as-fuck-events. Again, that's not the game really is it? that's the design of the thing messing with me, yes it's a factor as part of any review but it still didn't deter me from playing the game. You guys know I've uninstalled games quicker for a lot less shit happening. It also wasn't realistic for a Survival game either as discussed in a previous blog post clicky here clicky. Yet I still wanted to play it.

I love Lara but I can't stand Lara.

There is a duality to this game. There are in fact two Lara Croft's.

Gameplay Lara and Cut-scene Lara.

If you focus on only one of them you in fact are playing a completely different game. You are presented with a completely different character. It all starts after Cut-scene Lara kills that nameless shouty man. That rapey man. That's the moment when Lara's whole psychology separates to a one where she takes that experience and internalises it and a one where she takes that experience and intensifies it. 

Gameplay Lara is competent and adaptive to her environment. She, or maybe it was me driving the character, is capable of smart survival.The only thing that holds her back is the progress of skills that get unlocked during the game, which I found to be too late to when you would actually need them. Melee weapon. First thing any character in any game is capable of wielding. She had the climbing pick attached to her leg the entire game but couldn't use it to defend herself, she could only dodge but not actually puncture anyone with it or climb certain walls until after certain events that Cut-Scene Lara had to overcome. But she was seemingly perfectly proficient in such skills BEFORE Cut-scene Lara had to learn it. This Lara's character development has been the most engaging and the most complete, in my own honest opinion, that would lead to the persona of the previous games' Lara Croft.

Cut-scene Lara is the portrayal of Lara that upset a lot of people, not only the fans of the previous games but also those who get upset about the portrayal of women in videogames. This Lara is a frilly dress short of the princess in the castle but she's no longer the physically unrealistic woman. I cannot compare this Lara to either of those things as I don't have experience with the previous games and I only learned of the feminist outrage after I played the game for a few hours. We were told this would be a different Lara and that they made her more gritty and believable but this Lara, again in my honest opinion, hasn't developed enough, well she has. but not anywhere near the persona of the Lara Croft's that came before her. She's the alternative reality Lara, who didn't really save herself in the end, I feel like *I* was the one to save her. Our experience of that island was not a shared one, but a one in which I had to drag her skinny little ass up that damn mountain so Gameplay Lara could take care of bidness. 

I did feel like Cut-scene Lara was the person and Gameplay Lara was the split personality. You'd think it would be the other way around apart from as you get near the end of the game some aspects of Gameplay Lara have finally been accepted by Cut-scene Lara and that's when we see actual character development on her part. You can't repress parts of yourself that only causes internal conflict so once she became self aware, competent and we finally had enough XP to buy the skills we should have had hours ago, that Gameplay Lara was clearly capable of, she was no longer a burden for me to trudge along with just to finish the game but the strong independent stereotype-shoving woman they promised us!

Or did she just become the "man" and saved her own Princess? As pointed out here

We've all had a game like that. You go past caring and blank out the glitches and the plot holes and the impossible gameplay just to finish the damn thing and never play it again.

Well I did finish it. I actually finished it months after I was still bringing out videos for it. My PC messed up and I had to play through it AGAIN to catch up to where the videos left off (I lost my footage). Slightly cheaty of me, but that rage and frustration for the River sequence and Mountain village buildings falling down was all real. Extra real because I knew I had to do it again, and again because I'd have to do them again if I wanted to bring out more vids. After my last vid "Glasgae Kiss" an update meant I lost that particular save for some reason and I nearly lost my reason. So I finished the game proper, off camera as it were. It's kinda killed my desire to post videos. Hence the hiatus. You can't enjoy doing the YouTube thing if you don't enjoy the game you're playing. I couldn't face that damn beach again.

I don't know what really to say about those views who say She's a worse portrayal of women in videogames, than her predecessors, because it's a pretty dire situation she's in and yes the element of the princess was there but who could say they would have done any better if put in that same situation? Did she turn into a man as most of the strong male characters were killed off or were bad guys? I don't think saying that is accurate really. She didn't "become the man of the story" as each Gender is capable of expressing characteristics of masculinity and femininity, you don't just switch from one to the other but rather maintain a balance. (society likes to tell you otherwise but that's a whole different debate). In some situations it's more applicable to assume one of those roles in order to respond to it. Maybe the game makers intention was to present a Lara that could balance these aspects but forced us to watch her struggle to get to that point. We all experience every emotion. Regardless of what sex you are. 

Lara, in the end, was just a human being that had a lot of bad shit happen to her and she had to respond to it or die. 

I don't think I would have made it past that first guy in the cave on that damn beach.