Bone Vs Muscle

I always ask that of fellow Tattooed people. What hurts more? Getting them on muscle or bone?

I'm a loss for words when I try to describe to a new medical professional involved in my case about the type and degree of pain I'm feeling right at that moment and how it compares to other times. They always ask you what the pain is like at the worst time, and where the pain is located. 

I'm Hip FAI post-op so I've be in physio pretty much fortnightly since that day. I've read that some people recover really well and stop physio within a couple of weeks after surgery. It's been almost 2 years since my op. I have other muscular issues as well so don't think that this is normal if you're here to read about the FAI. Trust me, stick to the exercises and stretches they give you afterwards and you'll build up that core strength to aid in the healing process for your hip. It needs stability. 

What I'm stuck with is them giving me a program that centre's around pain management. However, when I describe my pain they immediately fire off with solutions and trials that are based on the pain coming from my muscles.

I have bone pain.

It's totally a thing believe me. Bones can cause you pain by simply not being in the correct position. I think people who suffer shin splints will get what I'm talking about, you can feel your bones splitting when walking or putting weight on them.

Like so.

Depending on the physical activity and how long I do it for (hur hur insert sex joke) my hip joint can lock up and that's it. I'm having trouble now just typing it down what exactly happens but it's not my muscles. My hip joint doesn't sit on the top of my femur properly, so when I over work it, it kinda slips off its base a bit and catches, hence the impingement in the first place. Still happens even after the op so now I get just that shock of pain rather than a prolonged throbbing pain that extended to the muscles from them compensating being in the wrong place.


Folks pre-op will know what I'm talking about too. It's all connected and your body is trying to set you right by pulling everything towards the side that has been impinged. That will get better over time, provided you stick to your program. Oh and if the Doctor tells you to walk on your crutches with your heel off the floor and the physio tells you to leave your heel on the ground, go with the physio! Your thigh muscle will heal shorter and you'll spend ages trying to stretch that bugger back out. Which I'm still trying to do. 

Solutions and programs for bone pain? 

When I know, you'll know.      

Daily Snippet: Spoons well spent

Today I've spent tackling the garden. It's got 10 yrs worth of overgrowth and has been doing whatever the hell it likes for a long time now. I made a promise I would sort it out and I've been cutting, clearing and replanting for over a year now. 

2013

2014
Planted some potatoes along the side. Found a chair!

Today: Before!

Today: After!

It had only recently occurred to me to take Before and After pics. But I can honestly say that was Spoons well spent.

Viennetta in the Bath you say? Cor Decadence! 

(apologies if this shows up twice I tried to post using the app but it's crapp!)

#SharingSaturday

I would like to thank all the visitors to my page for your support. Even though most of you don't hit that G+ button coz like what does that thing even do?! I re-read that and giggled too... yeah hit my G+ button... hmm. Google did you even notice that? 

Today's post is all about sharing. You guys can keep your #throwbackThursday I wanna start #SharingSaturday. 

This is why:



We've all had one of those days, weeks, months or some of us have even been trapped in our own prisons for years impossible to break free.

It's kinda like you're in a room full of people and you're getting smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter but everyone else is staying the same. Even those in your support network often seem as though they're hard to find in that crowded room. They're trying to find you, oh most assuredly, but you keep making yourself smaller and smaller because the room is just too much. Support only works if you reach out too. I believe this project will help those of us who feel bound by our emotions, trapped in our disabilities and conditions and give us hope and a forever expansive support network. The more people you have in that room to help you, the easier it is for you to find them.

I am a great believer in sending snail mail to people. I have a penpal I have been writing to for over 15 years. You take so much more care in writing letters than you do emails, texts and tweets and it much more satisfying receiving letters that you know someone has taken care to write to you!

I'm well jealous I didn't think of this myself, considering I keep trying to get my friends to write me letters haha.

Link to Support One Million Lovely Letters

Post-New Year confessional

I recently posted about New Year trends of people almost forcing themselves to commit to an unacheivable goal. This, I reckon, is due to them not fully comprehending what they are asking themselves to do. Going cold turkey, fad dieting or going into a high intensive training program to lose weight. So far I've seen people starting new "boot camp" style exercise programs and give up after a few weeks or gone into the gym thinking going for an hour a day, straight up hammer everything, is good for their bodies. You need to train your body to an appropriate level in order to survive shit like that. Weight loss. Weight loss. Weight loss. It's bloody everywhere!

Well my friends, I'm about to tell you something that will no doubt upset you. I don't intend to. Some of you will downright disown me. So be it. 

I go to the gym....

(pause for dramatic effect, as those people who know me will no doubt be all like "wtf that skinny bitch going to the gym for?!")

....to GAIN weight. 

Read that again.

GAIN. 

Italics. Bold. Underlined. CAPITALISED.

I have secretly been going to the gym for the past 20 weeks.

Let me explain.

I have several groups of friends who don't really know each other but in each of those groups there has been certain people who have made me feel shitty and ashamed of my body, to the point where I feel sick when looking at myself. In comparison, to them, my body is of slim build, okay very slim. Miniature hourglass shaped I guess. Their image of what the perfect body is. Always making a comment about my figure, even calling me names. Which is funny once or twice but not every single time you see someone. "You've got it easy, skinny bitch".

You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? 

Well I have the body I have due to my disability. It's not a healthy body. I do not want my body to be attainable for ANYONE. When one of those bigger girls said they would kill for a body like mine and I told her: "You have to be in pain 24hrs a day, choose between eating or taking your medication but you'll throw up regardless. You'll have to put up with every bug and virus coz you're immune system is fucked, sleep deprivation etc etc".
 She politely declined all that but would be happy with the end result.  

These people have made me feel so damn self conscious I have been avoiding them or wearing as many clothes as possible to cover myself up just to stop the comments (it didn't work alas). I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I was going to the gym. Gym=Weight loss. I would get soo damn anxious just thinking about how that person would react I couldn't bring myself to talk to them.

I get it that when a big person walks down the street they are constantly reminded by society that they should be a thinner version of themselves. We are all bombarded by those images of the "ideal" body. I am bombarded with those images too you know. When a bigger-than-me woman constantly points out how thin I am, it's a constant reminder to me that I am also not the "ideal" body type. I look at those images and see I fall short of that unobtainable dream body. Some reading this will think "No you're not" Well I've seen me naked and I'm telling you, friend, that I am not something you want for yourself. Trust me on this. 

This is one of those images. This is not healthy.

I know some of you, maybe one bird in particular will be like, "Oh Kee why were you bothering with people like that in the first place?" Well they were all I had CC. Bullied people often become bullies themselves. Those people did not like themselves and I was a reminder of something they couldn't achieve. That made me a target. 

I just want to make you understand that losing a few pounds is fine but please don't think that you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself. This body does NOT make me feel good about myself. Constantly reminding ANYONE of their weight, big or small, is not a nice nor healthy thing to do.

I am also writing this confessional because another one of my friends, who has a different disability and is a big busty girl, started to go to the gym. One of her "friends" said "Oh I'm surprised you know what a gym is for"

I say fuck you buddy!

I don't think you truly understand what a gym is actually for. Nor do many of the people who go there specifically to lose weight.

I have increased my mobility and range of movement. My circulation has improved. Breathing better. Better immune system. Improved posture leading to minor back pain. Most of all gaining a healthy appetite. All these wonderful things and more. Weight loss is a happy side effect of cardio and core strength training. 

I have spoken to many of my fellow gym goers and they are all there for different reasons. And you know what was last on their agenda? That's right: loss. 

They were all there to GAIN 

Italics, Bold, Underlined, CAPITALISED. 

Stamina, Muscle Strength, Mobility, Healthy Hearts, Confidence and one old lady said Vitality.  

And you know what, I have gained a vitality to myself that wasn't there before. I know that I don't need to cater to people who do not understand my body the way I do. I know it's me who needs to accept my body for the way it is not anyone else. I can walk 30 yards and not feel like crumbling up or crying my eyes out. My clothes don't feel like they are 100lbs weights. I don't get bruises on my hips from elastic. I can walk my dog. I have freedom from my body. Do you know how fucking good that feels? 

I'm allowed to take pride in the steps I took and the sacrifices I've had to make in order to achieve this. "My pain is different to yours, but it is still pain".

I can laugh now the anxiety I had about confessing my Gym activities has gone away. I'm still expecting some negative comments though, but I can tell you now, it hurt more because I wanted to be more like them. Y'know big and curvy. I suppose their argument would be the same:

 "don't think you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself". 

I may lose some friends but I have GAINED myself.

Adhesive Plaster 1- 0 Thigh Hair

Day One:

I had everything packed but I was stalling for time the morning of the surgery. My mum and brother had arrived to help me with my things but I said I hadn't finished packing. Must remember teabags. Must do the washing up. Must remember to hang the laundry. Stall for time. My partner couldn't leave work early to come see me before I left. He did try. Had to wait for email confirmation before he could leave the office. Before lunchtime, no chance, everyone else on the other end washing their noses in salad boxes. He was stuck waiting. I was stalling. It'll be okay. I am coming back in a few days. Right?

There is always a feeling of uncertainty when you go for an operation. But I wasn't worried about the risk of not being here anymore, I was more concerned about trying to console everyone else. Anyway, if something did happen they all knew Dr Ignorance's number and a horde would descend upon him if he fucked up.

I was late getting to the hospital for my 12:30 check in. But I wasn't bothered because theatre didn't start until 2pm and I had been told the week before a lady was due in before me, as her surgery would take less time and I was a special case. When I arrived, I was called in first to take my details. My mother wasn't allowed to come with me or wait in the reception area. I thought this was very strange. The nurse there informed me I was due in surgery first today and since I was late everything had to be hurried along. So I said my goodbyes to my mum and rang my Partner to tell him what was going on. So hurried and it felt wrong being rushed like that.

I was taken to a 'pod' which was basically a cubicle with a chair, a set of draws and a table in it. I was asked to disrobe and put a gown on. Seemed odd again. Told her my info and asked if I would be having a consultation and to sign a consent form. She was quite rude and said all that will be done after I got dressed. Seems a bit backward if you ask me. What if I changed my mind or something came up in my medical history that meant it wasn't possible to operate on me at the time? She left me to it. Didn't answer any of my questions. Talk about making you feel sure and confident.

A different health care assistant came in called Lisa. She was lovely and did answer all my questions and made me feel at ease. She went through all my file with me, typical hospital bureaucracy. It came to my allergies. No latex for me thanks. Oh this may cause a problem since the theatre is already prepared. I glance down and on the front of my file is a post-it note from the pre-assessment nurse last week saying I have a latex allergy and can the theatre be prepared accordingly. Hmm someone missed that bright pink note on the front of my file then? Lisa went away to inform someone. Came back 10 mins later.

"They're going to send the other lady in first since they need to change the room for you"

"Well yeah, I was already told I would be second in line today at my pre-op, for that very reason"

They had me waiting for about 2 hours. Urgh that bloody dragged. I could have been out in the waiting area with my mum and partner, who had finished work by then. So I called him instead. Had the olde 'typical NHS' banter conversation. They even left my file on the table. So I had a neb.

They had my old GP information from 7 years ago as the current one. Yet, had been sending results and reports to my new GP practice. No wonder stuff gets lost. They did have, however, a note from the last time I was in hospital, my allergic reaction to latex. Le sigh. What's the point of inundating medical professionals with record keeping if they can't be arsed to read them when it matters? Howweh man.

Next I met the anaesthetist. A small Indian gentleman, very pleasant. Had a bit of a heavy accent, but that wasn't the problem. He talked waaaay too fast. I only caught a few words. Started to get nervous again when he said the anaesthetic would only last as long as the surgery, about half an hour. Erm? What? Hip Arthroscopy takes about 2 hours plus they have to repair a possible labral tear. Have they got me confused with the first patient again? Ffs.

Then, in comes my favourite person, Dr Ignorance, who is sometimes Dr Complacent. But NOT TODAY! Dr Gameface, went over the consent form I couldn't help but mention making sure its all filled out properly. I still blame him for the MRI arthrogram incident. He didn't fill the form out properly so I never got the anaesthetic I was promised. Thus felt the needle being jabbed into my hip joint. Not. A. Happy. Bunny. He still hasn't said sorry nor thinks it was his fault. So this was my chance to let him know, I still blame him. I'm confident the form is in order and he leaves.

Lisa comes back in to keep me company. Presents me with a rather glamorous stocking. I tell her I'm not a fan of Dr Gameface. She laughs and asks me why I'm going through with this with him?

" I don't have to like him, as long as he does his job properly, I don't have to like him at all. If he fucks up a second time, they'll be hell to pay. " From her reaction he was probably still just in ear shot. I don't care. He clearly doesn't care about me as a person, I'm just another number. Hopefully a number in the 'success' column nonetheless.

My memory is a bit shoddy when they take me into the anaesthetic room. I do recall being very agitated at the anaesthesia nurse guy sticking things on me and talking while Chatty Anaesthetist is trying to ask me questions, and I can't understand a word he's saying. He jabs me with a large needle. That's the line in. Then injects me with, I'm assuming the sleeping drugs. They never tell you what they're injecting you with.

Useless buggers.

"Here we go" Zzzz

.

.

.

Laughing. Why is everyone laughing? There's some banter going on in the Recovery Room. There's a lady beside me, letting me know where I am. That it's all over.

Must have passed out. When did my Dad get here? I'm in a different room. My Beardy Warrior (my partner lol) is here too! It's so good to see them. Lots of words were passed over my head, about me but not to me. I was sooo damn tired. And thirsty. What the hell have they done to my throat? See you tomorrows and kisses. I would cry if I physically could. Keep pumping in fluids but no luck. Need sleeeep.

That's how broken up my experience of afterwards was. Couldn't tell you want the recovery banter was, but I was laughing too. The nurses kept coming to check my blood pressure and then told me to rest. Totally couldn't. They gave me Tramadol, which keeps me awake. Told them this too but they wouldn't take my word for it. Had to take it.

I was expecting to be in much more pain than I was. During surgery apparently they gave me seven shots of morphine. Nee wonder I was feeling sick. I react badly to that too. Couldn't keep water down, but couldn't produce saliva to eat or be sick properly. Needle in my hand killed. They had me in my own room but they didn't close the door, so I heard everything. I was the youngest person on the ward amongst the golden oldies getting their hip replacements, knee surgeries etc. TV's were loud, some poor lady was being sick all the time, and the woman opposite me, was hallucinating. Singing in her sleep. The acoustics of the hall and our open doors meant when she started snoring: it was like she was in the bed next to me :'(.

No Sleep. Make Kee a dull girl.

Well an extremely tired girl. Not having any sleep seems to amplify your pains. Urgh. Every time I felt those zzzz catching up a buzzer would go off or I would need to pee. All those fluids from earlier had to come out sometime :( kept asking for my dressing to be changed too but apparently it was fine...

Cheeky

One good thing about the silence and nurses assuming that I was asleep or assuming I knew more than I did. I found out I was due to be discharged the next day once the doctor and physio had been round to see me. I knew I had to get my muscles moving if they expect me to support myself. I had already researched what physio I would get after surgery. So I wriggled, arched and flexed just to loosen up and start the process.

It was about 4am when I gave up fighting the tramadol and just read a book my friend gave me. 'My sisters' keeper' not sure if it was the best thing to take into hospital with me but it was a pleasant distraction.

Day Two:

7:20am. Morning wake up call. Whole place stirs, night shift handover to morning shift. More blood pressure taken. My dressings finally changed.

Then about 9:30...

" Good morning, can you tell me your name and date of birth please?"

"Hello, who are you?"

This guy looks at me like how dare I have the audacity to ask him, his name! Of course it's the doctor but it's not Dr Ignorance or Gameface. This guy is Dr Incredulous. Informs me about the surgery I was in for, this I obviously know, why else would I have agreed to it? He doesn't really tell me what they found or if they repaired anything. Just that they removed the bump. I'm to be assessed by the physio and sent home once they are satisfied. Excellent.

It wasn't long after that I was given a nice pair of crutches to become my extra limbs for a good few weeks.

I have to say being back home is a godsend. I missed my sprung memory foam mattress. And Sleep. Couldn't sleep straight away though. I had both sets of parents arriving at different times to see me. Ingo (my partner) has been wonderful since I got home. Taking very good care of me. He even brought the bed downstairs, a necessary luxury for recuperation don't you think? Our house bunny seemed to think so...

Captain Kismet

I'm on to day 7 now and I haven't been in any pain apart from a slight strain in my lower back, but we all knew that wouldn't magically go away. Only time will tell if this has been a success. I haven't received an appointment for this intensive physio I was supposed to have nor any kind of check up since I was discharged from hospital. Cut and shut jobby?

Now this is all done with I can concentrate on my articles, stories and reviews I wish to share with you.

Take care.

"Use Health Potion?"

If only real life was that easy. Drink a red health potion to restore all your HP or simply sleep in a bed or a magical fountain to save your game. No such luck for me. Buggerpoo.

As I said in my last post, I need this operation. For over 12 months now I have been suffering from Chronic pain in my left hip, swelling and pain in my lower back. This has affected my ability to walk, support my weight and caused me to fall on occasion. I have seen many doctors and physiotherapists who all thought it was muscular until the pain meds and intense physio just wasn't sorting out the problem. All I did everyday was stretch and exercise but it seemed to make my pains worse and on some days completely immobilise me.

"It'll get worse before it gets better" sick of bloody hearing that phrase. It wasn't getting better. Changed doctors for a fresh perspective. Had phsyio for 7 months before Dr Newguy said if it was my muscles they would have healed by now. So Newguy and Specialist Musculoskeletal, I'm gonna call Mr Pix for my blog, sent me off for a few scans. They found i have actually two problems going on. One was obviously my hip and the other was my lower spine. The phsyio for my back was putting pressure on my hip and not helping and reflections for my hip were killing my back. No wonder i had made no progress for nearly 9 months by the time they sent me for the scans.

Femoroacetabular Impingement.

Or FAI you can read about here : http://www.hipfai.com/

Basically I have a "bump" or Cam on my hip joint that was locking and preventing normal movement and function of my hip joint. I couldn't cross my legs or sit properly and every now and then completely randomly it would lock up completely and my legs would give way. TIMBBEEERR! I don't have a slipped disc but I have 2 discs which are kind squished out of place and have been worn down these past 12 months due to me moving around and all the exercising etc. So these two squished discs are out of order and the discs around them are doing twice as much than they're supposed to causing me great pain. On top of that the cam has been rubbing and wearing down my cartilage on the other side causing osteoarthritis in my hip too. I could feel that happening every time i took a step. Slow grind and pop, slow grind and pop. When it completely locks up it feels like it's poking out of the joint and dislocated. You can only imagine the pain that causes. I had been prescribed strong anti-inflammatory drugs and pain medication, which included Oramorph, which is morphine. And that did foook aal. Well it dulled the pain from my back but the pain from the grinding sensation was still there when I moved around. Bones, not muscular.

Some days I'm okay and other days I feel like shite. 

"You look fine today"
"How come you went to that gig last week and you can't go shopping today?" 
"More exercise will do you some good"
"You're not fun any more"
"How bored must you be?"
"There's nothing wrong with you"
"You don't know what pain is"
"She's faking it, there's nothing wrong with her"
"You're not very reliable any more"
"I don't want to deal with this"

These are just a few things that family, close friends and friends who don't see me all the time have said to me. Some are understandable, since they don't live with me. Some are very hurtful. Some are heartbreaking. 

I have often found it very difficult to explain to people the nature of my condition. I have listed the mechanics of what is physically wrong with me and the knock on affect that has on me on a daily basis. I can't work, I can't look after myself sometimes, i can't sit for long periods of time and i can't stand for long periods of time, I can't lift any heavy objects, or push or pull. No swimming, no riding my bike, which I love to do. Cant walk my mother's dog. Can't pick up my God-daughter, can't help my disabled friend who has Hypermobility syndrome, to look after my God-daughter. Can't travel long distances to visit my family or friends. I could go on, which is depressing. oh and lonely, painful, emotionally. Some friends I don't see any more because they don't want to be around "this" like it's contagious and happening directly to them. 

One of my friends, who also has Hypermobility Syndrome, started up a blog and introduced me to the spoons theory as a way of explaining to healthy people what its like living with an invisible illness. A lady by the name of Christine Miserandino who has Lupus wrote an article on Butyoudontlooksick.com and came up with this theory, while trying to illustrate to her healthy friend what it's like living with Lupus.

http://www.butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory-written-by-christine-miserandino/ 

We all have spoons we use up every day in every thing that we do. Most of you have unlimited spoons. But for people with disabilities we have a limited amount and we don't have a choice of how many we start off with each day and how many we might not have tomorrow because we chose to go out to that gig the night before or stood for 2 hours to make a romantic meal instead of ordering take away.

I like to think of my spoons as Lives. I have only about 10 Lives or less a day and sometimes no matter how hard I try i can't collect enough XP to get another one to make sure I have enough for the next day.

That's enough reading for you guys today. I'll get on telling you about my op. Which I've had two days ago and I'm busy re-cooperating. Gathering my thoughts.

Savour Your Spoons!
http://savouryourspoons.blogspot.co.uk