Nalabox Loves: The Cat Lady

Some may note a while back I was seeking a horror 'experience' whether that is a movie or game. Horror as a form of entertainment that makes a lasting impression. Something that makes you forget that you are playing a game. Something that you realise truly disturbed you months after playing it when trying to convince a friend to play it. It wasn't until that time I fully appreciated everything about the story of Susan Ashworth.

*CAUTION* Contains spoilers and topics that some may find uncomfortable

We meet Susan at a dark point of her life. We are carried along the turbulent ocean of emotions that a single human being faces when seeking their own oblivion. We accompany Susan through each harrowing chapter of her story and her road to recovery.

Are you Ready? /Pic Creds

The crux of good story telling is the ability to instil a lasting emotional response in the audience. The topics raised in this game are difficult to portray in any medium such as Suicide, Self-harm, Depression, Psychosis and even Death. As unsettling as this may sound, everything about Susan's experience is wonderfully articulated right down to the level designs, music and as well as the dialogue. Those types of feelings are often only felt by a single person and for them to be so well presented in a game no less, I find remarkable. Again, I didn't realise how well it had conveyed those experiences until I was talking about the game months after playing.

The Cat Lady is named as such as Susan has been given 9 lives by an other-worldly character and she falls into different scenarios where she has to collect what is owed. There is an all-round "wrongness" feeling to this game as you progress through each chapter, it's designed to make you feel uneasy and as helpless as Susan does. I often felt like I was journeying though each stage of Psychosis or each level was a representation of the darker side of human emotions. It’s dark in the sense of black and white stills and jittered animation, like marionettes on strings. Simplistic art style and yet bright splashes of colour used to draw the eye from the horrors that lurk just outside your vision.

Alan is that you? Pic Creds: ME!

There is a section of the game where you are trapped in a house and you have to escape without the occupants making sausages out of you. Susan finds a telephone and tries to ring for rescue. The person on the other end is supposed to be a police responder I think? Susan tries her best to explain her very real and very life threatening predicament. Now, previously in game Susan was in a secured unit and made her escape from there using someone else's information, so when the police person looks up Susan's info their attitude towards her changes. Oh you were recently signed into psychiatric care, are you sure you're not making this up? Several things wrong with this: You're clearly not phoning them from inside the unit, that shit would show on their display, so shouldn't alarm bells be ringing that a vulnerable person is on the loose? Most obviously is the way people with mental health issues are treated by others, whether they be in the "protecting" services or not. This whole scene was made to make you feel as helpless as Susan. This resonated with me deeply. 

There are other sections of the game where I could get through them no problem but I think it counts on its audience to at least have some emotional connection to the theme its presenting. This game became oddly personal, which made it more uncomfortable to play, but I enjoyed playing it. 

I keep mentioning the "experience" aspect as there wasn't much gameplay. It's tagged as Story-Rich Adventure Horror on Steam. I'd loosely call it a game as it's more of an exploratory piece of art. It will introduce game play elements for one section then never use them again or show you content that you can't do anything with but you know is linked to the story. Oh man that wedding dress...I knew it was down there for a reason *shivers*. Typical point and click adventure you have to gather items in order to scare your neighbour because reasons. We break into the basement which is tense on its own and the colour palette in this area is grey and dark, everything is eerie, apart from a manikin wearing a pristine Wedding dress. Everything about it is screaming “don’t touch totes a jump scare” but nothing. Later in the story, there is a cut-scene that takes you back to that dank little room and completely changes the atmosphere as a chilling secret is revealed. That aggravated me somewhat as you could tell there was something else back there but access DENIED.

You touch it, I'll wait right here..-Mitzi /Pic Creds: ME!

But some elements of this game go beyond just disturbing you but downright mess you up!

The whole dialogue between the Wife and Susan when we visit a strange dream world creeped me the fuck out. The use of sound distortion to make your skin crawl is very well done in this chapter. It’s like they experimented with different psychological techniques to induce a fear response in each chapter. This was one of the more successful ones; I had to stop playing to a few days before I could progress in the story. Eeeeerrrrkflibble!   

Nope. NOPE. NOOOPE! /Pic Creds: ME!

I could harp on about this game all day.

I would recommend fellow Horror connoisseurs to play this game but be warned it goes there, where other games fear to tread. I admire the game makers more for that I think.

P.S I searched the net for a few pictures to add above and discovered who the characters related to the Wedding Dress scene were, let's just say they didn't have a happy ending...turns out they're actually from a game called Downfall, which is the story prequel to the Cat Lady! They are re-making it for a 2015 release so I'm super excited for that!

P.P.S omg this game is also amazing!  I find it very peculiar that the scenes that resonated with me the most in The Cat Lady are actually snippets/references from Downfall when I hadn't even known of its existence. Now that is some creepy shit!

Stuff I hear when I'm here

Sometimes you don't often hear the words of other people's conversations as you approach them, missing the context completely. I put it down to me being partiality deef.

Here are some of the things I (think I) hear between two cities:

Female on Phone- 'That's all the balls I can handle'

Young girl to mother- 'your fat coz you ate the baby'

Young Male 1- 'I'll just walk back in and they'll never know I was gone'
Young Male 2- 'What about the house alarm?'
YM1 'I'll just say it was a robber n' I scared 'im off when I came in'

Young Female 1- 'I was watching this thing the other day and the girl went in the bath to shave her legs then went to shave her bits and just wiggled it about!'
YF2- 'wiggled what about?!'
YF1- 'her bits'
YF3-' eh? It's not detachable!'

(Group of young people watching a music video in a café)
Male 1- 'Urgh what is that music doing?!'
Female 1- 'using images of old people to show what they are singing about'
Male 1-' no! It's emotional blackmail, I don't want to feel sad today!'

YF1-' well her Dad is a car fanatic, he has 3 of the same car!'
YF2- 'oh cool so could she drive us then?'
YF1- 'What? They're not for driving!'

M1- ' I really hate having a poo in there'
M2- 'oh? Just flush and push, that's what I do'

Older Gentleman- 'Blast this Sunshine! You'll have to operate to get me out of this coat!'

YM 1- 'my house flooded in *----*'
YM 2- 'oh no, what are you going to do?'
YM 1-'Going to live in the other one in *---* it's such an inconvenience!'

'So you'll have to carry all that yourself?'
'Hey that's what boobs are for!'

'The library is not for casual reading'

'I have been pleasantly ventilated'

I'm a silent worker so I find most people don't realise I'm there and have very private conversations. I'm not gonna note them down but it makes me more aware of what information we reveal about ourselves when we think no one is listening.

*N.B this has been compiled over a few months and I have omitted names and places to protect the identities of my fellow human beings in the practice of social interaction. Some as my intro suggests I have completely misheard. Or made up ;) *

Post-New Year confessional

I recently posted about New Year trends of people almost forcing themselves to commit to an unacheivable goal. This, I reckon, is due to them not fully comprehending what they are asking themselves to do. Going cold turkey, fad dieting or going into a high intensive training program to lose weight. So far I've seen people starting new "boot camp" style exercise programs and give up after a few weeks or gone into the gym thinking going for an hour a day, straight up hammer everything, is good for their bodies. You need to train your body to an appropriate level in order to survive shit like that. Weight loss. Weight loss. Weight loss. It's bloody everywhere!

Well my friends, I'm about to tell you something that will no doubt upset you. I don't intend to. Some of you will downright disown me. So be it. 

I go to the gym....

(pause for dramatic effect, as those people who know me will no doubt be all like "wtf that skinny bitch going to the gym for?!")

....to GAIN weight. 

Read that again.

GAIN. 

Italics. Bold. Underlined. CAPITALISED.

I have secretly been going to the gym for the past 20 weeks.

Let me explain.

I have several groups of friends who don't really know each other but in each of those groups there has been certain people who have made me feel shitty and ashamed of my body, to the point where I feel sick when looking at myself. In comparison, to them, my body is of slim build, okay very slim. Miniature hourglass shaped I guess. Their image of what the perfect body is. Always making a comment about my figure, even calling me names. Which is funny once or twice but not every single time you see someone. "You've got it easy, skinny bitch".

You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? 

Well I have the body I have due to my disability. It's not a healthy body. I do not want my body to be attainable for ANYONE. When one of those bigger girls said they would kill for a body like mine and I told her: "You have to be in pain 24hrs a day, choose between eating or taking your medication but you'll throw up regardless. You'll have to put up with every bug and virus coz you're immune system is fucked, sleep deprivation etc etc".
 She politely declined all that but would be happy with the end result.  

These people have made me feel so damn self conscious I have been avoiding them or wearing as many clothes as possible to cover myself up just to stop the comments (it didn't work alas). I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I was going to the gym. Gym=Weight loss. I would get soo damn anxious just thinking about how that person would react I couldn't bring myself to talk to them.

I get it that when a big person walks down the street they are constantly reminded by society that they should be a thinner version of themselves. We are all bombarded by those images of the "ideal" body. I am bombarded with those images too you know. When a bigger-than-me woman constantly points out how thin I am, it's a constant reminder to me that I am also not the "ideal" body type. I look at those images and see I fall short of that unobtainable dream body. Some reading this will think "No you're not" Well I've seen me naked and I'm telling you, friend, that I am not something you want for yourself. Trust me on this. 

This is one of those images. This is not healthy.

I know some of you, maybe one bird in particular will be like, "Oh Kee why were you bothering with people like that in the first place?" Well they were all I had CC. Bullied people often become bullies themselves. Those people did not like themselves and I was a reminder of something they couldn't achieve. That made me a target. 

I just want to make you understand that losing a few pounds is fine but please don't think that you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself. This body does NOT make me feel good about myself. Constantly reminding ANYONE of their weight, big or small, is not a nice nor healthy thing to do.

I am also writing this confessional because another one of my friends, who has a different disability and is a big busty girl, started to go to the gym. One of her "friends" said "Oh I'm surprised you know what a gym is for"

I say fuck you buddy!

I don't think you truly understand what a gym is actually for. Nor do many of the people who go there specifically to lose weight.

I have increased my mobility and range of movement. My circulation has improved. Breathing better. Better immune system. Improved posture leading to minor back pain. Most of all gaining a healthy appetite. All these wonderful things and more. Weight loss is a happy side effect of cardio and core strength training. 

I have spoken to many of my fellow gym goers and they are all there for different reasons. And you know what was last on their agenda? That's right: loss. 

They were all there to GAIN 

Italics, Bold, Underlined, CAPITALISED. 

Stamina, Muscle Strength, Mobility, Healthy Hearts, Confidence and one old lady said Vitality.  

And you know what, I have gained a vitality to myself that wasn't there before. I know that I don't need to cater to people who do not understand my body the way I do. I know it's me who needs to accept my body for the way it is not anyone else. I can walk 30 yards and not feel like crumbling up or crying my eyes out. My clothes don't feel like they are 100lbs weights. I don't get bruises on my hips from elastic. I can walk my dog. I have freedom from my body. Do you know how fucking good that feels? 

I'm allowed to take pride in the steps I took and the sacrifices I've had to make in order to achieve this. "My pain is different to yours, but it is still pain".

I can laugh now the anxiety I had about confessing my Gym activities has gone away. I'm still expecting some negative comments though, but I can tell you now, it hurt more because I wanted to be more like them. Y'know big and curvy. I suppose their argument would be the same:

 "don't think you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself". 

I may lose some friends but I have GAINED myself.

It's not even Monday

I hate pre-9am travel. I can't stomach eating breakfast before I head out into the drudgery of other pre-9amers: soulless uncaring community.

There's no joy of life standing waiting for the bus. Not even the birds care to sing for me today, odd how I notice when it never occurred to me before.
No touch, no smile, no talking as I swipe my pass.

I use this time to catch up on the world events, work emails, whatever. The only time I get to read the books I bought fithteen years ago. It's Tales from Earthsea a classic fantasy I must read. I love fantasy. Living an hour twenty three mins each morning in someone else's works is a dream. 

Godssake people are deathly quiet this morning.

Must be the hum of the diesel engine drowning out their voices. I see their mouths moving. Faces deep in screens. I prefer real pages. But silence here nonetheless.

A woman gets on with her baby. She wasn't here yesterday. She''ll lose herself in here. Her baby is crying, a shrill voice louder than this deafening silence. Gods I'm awake now kid!

Felt like I was drowning, all this time, and I've just come up for air. Why isn't anyone else reacting? Why is no-one paying attention? She's been on too long, that mother, her voice has been swallowed and the baby cries. It knows.

Gotta get off this damn bus.