Nalabox Loves: The Cat Lady

Some may note a while back I was seeking a horror 'experience' whether that is a movie or game. Horror as a form of entertainment that makes a lasting impression. Something that makes you forget that you are playing a game. Something that you realise truly disturbed you months after playing it when trying to convince a friend to play it. It wasn't until that time I fully appreciated everything about the story of Susan Ashworth.

*CAUTION* Contains spoilers and topics that some may find uncomfortable

We meet Susan at a dark point of her life. We are carried along the turbulent ocean of emotions that a single human being faces when seeking their own oblivion. We accompany Susan through each harrowing chapter of her story and her road to recovery.

Are you Ready? /Pic Creds

The crux of good story telling is the ability to instil a lasting emotional response in the audience. The topics raised in this game are difficult to portray in any medium such as Suicide, Self-harm, Depression, Psychosis and even Death. As unsettling as this may sound, everything about Susan's experience is wonderfully articulated right down to the level designs, music and as well as the dialogue. Those types of feelings are often only felt by a single person and for them to be so well presented in a game no less, I find remarkable. Again, I didn't realise how well it had conveyed those experiences until I was talking about the game months after playing.

The Cat Lady is named as such as Susan has been given 9 lives by an other-worldly character and she falls into different scenarios where she has to collect what is owed. There is an all-round "wrongness" feeling to this game as you progress through each chapter, it's designed to make you feel uneasy and as helpless as Susan does. I often felt like I was journeying though each stage of Psychosis or each level was a representation of the darker side of human emotions. It’s dark in the sense of black and white stills and jittered animation, like marionettes on strings. Simplistic art style and yet bright splashes of colour used to draw the eye from the horrors that lurk just outside your vision.

Alan is that you? Pic Creds: ME!

There is a section of the game where you are trapped in a house and you have to escape without the occupants making sausages out of you. Susan finds a telephone and tries to ring for rescue. The person on the other end is supposed to be a police responder I think? Susan tries her best to explain her very real and very life threatening predicament. Now, previously in game Susan was in a secured unit and made her escape from there using someone else's information, so when the police person looks up Susan's info their attitude towards her changes. Oh you were recently signed into psychiatric care, are you sure you're not making this up? Several things wrong with this: You're clearly not phoning them from inside the unit, that shit would show on their display, so shouldn't alarm bells be ringing that a vulnerable person is on the loose? Most obviously is the way people with mental health issues are treated by others, whether they be in the "protecting" services or not. This whole scene was made to make you feel as helpless as Susan. This resonated with me deeply. 

There are other sections of the game where I could get through them no problem but I think it counts on its audience to at least have some emotional connection to the theme its presenting. This game became oddly personal, which made it more uncomfortable to play, but I enjoyed playing it. 

I keep mentioning the "experience" aspect as there wasn't much gameplay. It's tagged as Story-Rich Adventure Horror on Steam. I'd loosely call it a game as it's more of an exploratory piece of art. It will introduce game play elements for one section then never use them again or show you content that you can't do anything with but you know is linked to the story. Oh man that wedding dress...I knew it was down there for a reason *shivers*. Typical point and click adventure you have to gather items in order to scare your neighbour because reasons. We break into the basement which is tense on its own and the colour palette in this area is grey and dark, everything is eerie, apart from a manikin wearing a pristine Wedding dress. Everything about it is screaming “don’t touch totes a jump scare” but nothing. Later in the story, there is a cut-scene that takes you back to that dank little room and completely changes the atmosphere as a chilling secret is revealed. That aggravated me somewhat as you could tell there was something else back there but access DENIED.

You touch it, I'll wait right here..-Mitzi /Pic Creds: ME!

But some elements of this game go beyond just disturbing you but downright mess you up!

The whole dialogue between the Wife and Susan when we visit a strange dream world creeped me the fuck out. The use of sound distortion to make your skin crawl is very well done in this chapter. It’s like they experimented with different psychological techniques to induce a fear response in each chapter. This was one of the more successful ones; I had to stop playing to a few days before I could progress in the story. Eeeeerrrrkflibble!   

Nope. NOPE. NOOOPE! /Pic Creds: ME!

I could harp on about this game all day.

I would recommend fellow Horror connoisseurs to play this game but be warned it goes there, where other games fear to tread. I admire the game makers more for that I think.

P.S I searched the net for a few pictures to add above and discovered who the characters related to the Wedding Dress scene were, let's just say they didn't have a happy ending...turns out they're actually from a game called Downfall, which is the story prequel to the Cat Lady! They are re-making it for a 2015 release so I'm super excited for that!

P.P.S omg this game is also amazing!  I find it very peculiar that the scenes that resonated with me the most in The Cat Lady are actually snippets/references from Downfall when I hadn't even known of its existence. Now that is some creepy shit!

Nalabox Dislikes: Alan Wake

But I enjoyed his nightmares.  

There are already a few reviews of this game on the internet so I won’t really be adding any new sauce to this well grilled game. Excellent story largely let down by gameplay.

Want to know what I shouted the most while playing this game?

“Alan man just fucking *…*”
*shoot
*dodge
*run
*JUMP
*ANYTHING!!!!
*HURNGHH!

Created by Me with imgflip.com

I felt compelled to compare Alan with my interpretation of the Lara-split syndrome (totally a thing I just made up) apart from where as wor lovely Gameplay Lara is the bidness it seems Alan Wake suffers from the reverse…. Cutscene Alan is at least slightly clued up about his situation but Gameplay Alan is just… lifeless. He’s a monotonous drone that compelled me to think he deserved his fate to be honest. Also there was no mention in the games features that Gameplay Alan would be vulnerable to the Daniel-from Amnesia-style freaking out and dodging TOWARDS the thing that scared him. GAME. UGH.  Alas, Cutscene Alan, I wanted him to reach the end, find his love and escape the evil that consumed him. 

A True Bro.
Pic Cred: Alan Wake Faceybook Page

Barry.


Barry was mint. I felt there wasn’t enough about him in the first game and I’m glad you got a chance for some closure in American Nightmare, for him and some of the other characters. In fact, the only character I wasn’t very interested in was Alan himself. He was a bit of a dick to everyone around him, even more so in American Nightmare: making all those choices to affect the lives of those people and not really giving it a second thought whether they would continue to exist or not. Emma Sloan for example. He fails to save her more than once and she’s forced to remember a horrific tragedy over and over again. We only come into that reality after he’s already faced Mr Scratch so how many times has it really been? Mr Scratch has already caused trouble for some period of time to have affected reality to the point it made it possible for Alan to break through in the first place.

Emma Sloan. This is how I felt when seeing Alan too hun
Pic Cred

I get these games were meant to make you feel his desperation, the loneliness, being self-alienated and possibly what it’s like to know the truth of something but no one believes you. They think you’re crazy.  It attempted that anyway. I’d played “The Cat Lady” shortly before the Alan Wake games and I think that raised the bar for me in regards to the emotional depth of a character and feeling what they feel. Damn that was a good game. You know I didn’t realise how much it had disturbed me until a few weeks ago when I was telling a friend to play it. *Shivers* [I will replay it and share what I mean with you in the near future]

I tell ye what though, Gameplay Alan and Cutscene Lara deserve each other. Stick ‘em in a boat and ship them off to Diver’s Isle and fecking leave them there to jump over the logs that are capable of inflicting mysterious psychological damage and they can sit there and cry about it.   

Gurges

­I get Gurges. 

Game urges. 

I get inclination to play games that I've played and completed before. Nothing really remarkable about that right? 

However, I've noticed that I want to play the same games around the same time I did the year before. Recently, it's been Mass Effect 3. But you know you can't just play 3, you have to go through them all to get to 3. 

Thanks to a little social media app thingy it tells me I had the same desire to indulge myself with Femshep the same time the year before and the year before that. Is there anything to this? Does anyone else go through the desire to play games the same time of year? I wonder if it's because we invested so much time in a new game when it was fresh and glorious our brains remember "hey you felt really good this time last year, thanks to that new gaming experience, maybe you should play it again so we get that same rush again". 

Shuggah! /Pic Creds

I’m not a Scientist nor am I very technical so forgive me for any mistakes I may make in these next few sections. Most of this was not common knowledge to me before I started writing.

I decided to look in to why this may be the case and wondered if it’s something to do with how your body responds to stimuli from its environment, like in Seasonal Affective Disorder, and how your brain records that experience. There is such a phrase as ‘Body Chemistry Memory’ or 'Cellular Memory' which is somewhat on the Skepticism list and I feel it doesn't quite capture what I am trying to define/answer. Chemical reactions don’t “remember” how to react, they just respond depending upon the factors involved. When those same conditions are met each time the response would be the same right?

 In psychology we are taught that through experience we develop schema, a kind of framework in which we use each time we encounter that situation. (Enter a Library= must be silent. Wait for green man to cross the road otherwise you’ll die etc). That is what is stored in our brain, so, now bare with me here, when our bodies react to our environment they would produce a physiological and psychological response simultaneously that the brain retains, yes? So when those conditions occur again our brain recalls that information and gives the same response “oh hey the last time this happened we responded like this so that means we have to respond in the same way” now it does this regardless whether we responded to the experience in a positive or negative way. I’d imagine similar to SAD when the body is overwhelmed by certain environmental conditions that it doesn't produce the appropriate response. 

How does this relate to games? Haad on man, I’m getting there!

KA-ME-HA-ME-CONTRA! /Pic Creds

Countless studies have been conducted on the effects of video games on behaviour but I only found a few actually relating to brain chemistry. Mostly, researchers have focused upon negative stimuli presented by games, i.e violence and how that affects the person afterwards. In one study, that has been cited in various places, but the original source from a Japanese news website eludes me, monitored the Beta waves of folks who don’t play videogames (they exist!) and people who play them an awful lot (like me and you). Beta waves indicate frontal lobe activity which is responsible for emotions and creativity. Seems us gamers have zero beta waves and no signs of our brains in a resting mode while we are playing games and this doesn't change or revert to a “normal” level after the game is switched off. The original researcher suggested this is the reason people who play videogames for long periods of time are prone to personality and anti-social behaviour. Another writer talking about this study mentioned the possibility that the brain perceives the games as real hence the behavioural changes and the brain not being in a “rested” mode so playing games to relax is simply not the case where our brains are concerned! The latter I agree with, however the original study, and many others like it, didn't measure the participants’ predisposition to anti-social behaviour or anxiety or even to violent behaviour. They would have had to monitor those who never played videogames and ask them to gradually increase the hours of game time and record brainwaves to really say if it was the game that contributed to the behavioural changes.

SCIENCE! /Pic Creds

Most videogame research is based around the effects of violence and mature content in games and how that possibly contributes to a person being violent themselves. We all know by now that ALL media exposes us to these same things every day. Videogames are blamed for desensitising people to the violence of war and criminal acts but we are seeing more and more of these images being broadcast by the news and in some cases glorified by other media. They used to block out images of dead children and bloody missing limbs you know. They don’t now. That shit sells. It’s constantly happening around the world and we are shown these images all the time it’s almost becoming the norm.

I did find a gem of an article (while finding the above pictures so it's the same link) about the BENEFITS of gaming to help treat psychological disorders as our brains are “trained” to grow bigger during play. Best quote:-


“These brain regions are involved in functions such as spatial navigation, memory formation, strategic planning and fine motor skills of the hands. Increasingly, the level of connectivity between brain areas is being linked to higher intelligence and consciousness.”- Christopher Bergland 2013

You guys and read more here and the source is here (journal link) if you have access to the journal. I don’t so I’m a little disappointed I can’t read the full thing.

What I can’t seem to find is anything relating to videogames and Happy emotional responses. I suppose because that subject is not in vogue and parents and officials want something to blame for anti-social and pathological teenagers.

Clicky for Snippet on one such study/ Pic Creds same source.

If our brains perceive the game as a real experience and increases fear, anxiety and paranoia when playing violent/war/horror/shooters that continues to last after the game has been switched off then surely it would mean that games that make you feel happy/elated/inspired/successful should also continue to last after the game is switched off?

Why would the brain, if it perceives the game as a real experience, want to experience it again? Especially since most games are a creator driven narrative that the player can’t change the outcome. Even the desire to play those violent war/shooter games constantly, why would the brain want to experience what is essentially a traumatic experience?

Apart from when this happened. Sorry Moira/ Pic Creds: Me!

Where does the desire to play the game again possibly come from? A basic response to seasonal associations? Not necessarily to do with the seasons in the weather sense, but our psychological associations to a period of time in our lives. Again, studies showing the negatives and connections to Seasonal Disorders (Winter and Suicide for example clicky) but not much on positive seasonal associations. Maybe because it’s not much of a social phenomenon to warrant investigation?

Buy ALL THE THINGS!!! /Pic Creds

Steam Summer Sales, Big Summer releases, Publisher and Dev conventions, Big Christmas releases, highly anticipated titles, teaser Downloadable Content, Half-Life 3?! To us gamers, these are positive seasonal associations. That rush of excitement to play a new release after waiting so long (I’m looking at you Mass Effect 3), that level of elation continues as you play the game which doesn't dissipate after you switch it off. Your brain takes that experience, if we assume it perceived the game as real, and produces a physiological and psychological response. Remember that from earlier? I said that a while back… So even though the game came out a few years ago my body and brain retain that experience and want to repeat it.        

The answer to this, I think, it is because our brains are addicted to their own juices.

Jooocie/ Gif creds

This concept is not new in relation to videogames. The prime framework of gaming addiction theory is the role of endorphin's in gamers. I know too well the consequences of that fine line of enjoyment leading to consumption. When getting to that next level is the briefest euphoria and it all but consumes you like quicksand and you’ll spend money and time to keep your head up just to feel that rush again, but it gets fainter and fainter each time. Until it consumes your life or even takes your life, in extreme cases.

I often liken it to a hollow orgasm. Your 4^th never quite feels like your first, huh? Even for guys I’d imagine it feels similar. That’s the only metaphor I can think of to describe what it’s like, well for me anyway. 

I've tried to find research that wasn't related to the after effects or negativity that surrounds this topic but it seems not many have picked up on this fact that the target groups in these studies are addicted to the chemical produced by the brain as a result of playing instead they focus/blame the game itself. As I said earlier it’s still “in vogue” to use videogames as the scapegoat to explain away behavioural problems in young people. 

It seems fellow gamers and bloggers know what I’m talking about all too well as they have quoted the same guy (clicky) but the academics who study us just don’t want to broach the subject, or maybe they've tried to and their work has been “held back” by the publishers? Or I just can’t find it?

Idunnolol /Pic Creds

I have explored some answers to my questions but I’m still not fulfilled.

I guess some things I've found can explain why I play games repeatedly but not the same game especially where I cannot change the outcome of the narrative or explain why I feel the urge to play it around the same time of year?

I have discovered that it’s not only Endorphin we’re addicted to but a few of its friends too:-

The Happy Chemicals join your party!

Dopamine, the guy who makes you want that next level, the Warrior,

Serotonin, the guy who makes the imagined real and the real imagined, the Mage,

Oxytocin, the guy who makes you emotionally invested, Priest,

And lest we forget;

Endorphin, the guy who makes you euphoric and numb, the Bard.

end. /Pic Creds

Microwave cooking circa 1950's

So found this book:

Thought it would come in handy since our over broke about a year ago and the Landlord said "hey you have a microwave you can still eat"

Yeah coz It's the same thing right?

Holy fudge that looks amazing I'm totally gonna make that no problem!

NAILED IT!

Bone Vs Muscle

I always ask that of fellow Tattooed people. What hurts more? Getting them on muscle or bone?

I'm a loss for words when I try to describe to a new medical professional involved in my case about the type and degree of pain I'm feeling right at that moment and how it compares to other times. They always ask you what the pain is like at the worst time, and where the pain is located. 

I'm Hip FAI post-op so I've be in physio pretty much fortnightly since that day. I've read that some people recover really well and stop physio within a couple of weeks after surgery. It's been almost 2 years since my op. I have other muscular issues as well so don't think that this is normal if you're here to read about the FAI. Trust me, stick to the exercises and stretches they give you afterwards and you'll build up that core strength to aid in the healing process for your hip. It needs stability. 

What I'm stuck with is them giving me a program that centre's around pain management. However, when I describe my pain they immediately fire off with solutions and trials that are based on the pain coming from my muscles.

I have bone pain.

It's totally a thing believe me. Bones can cause you pain by simply not being in the correct position. I think people who suffer shin splints will get what I'm talking about, you can feel your bones splitting when walking or putting weight on them.

Like so.

Depending on the physical activity and how long I do it for (hur hur insert sex joke) my hip joint can lock up and that's it. I'm having trouble now just typing it down what exactly happens but it's not my muscles. My hip joint doesn't sit on the top of my femur properly, so when I over work it, it kinda slips off its base a bit and catches, hence the impingement in the first place. Still happens even after the op so now I get just that shock of pain rather than a prolonged throbbing pain that extended to the muscles from them compensating being in the wrong place.


Folks pre-op will know what I'm talking about too. It's all connected and your body is trying to set you right by pulling everything towards the side that has been impinged. That will get better over time, provided you stick to your program. Oh and if the Doctor tells you to walk on your crutches with your heel off the floor and the physio tells you to leave your heel on the ground, go with the physio! Your thigh muscle will heal shorter and you'll spend ages trying to stretch that bugger back out. Which I'm still trying to do. 

Solutions and programs for bone pain? 

When I know, you'll know.      

Daily Snippet: Spoons well spent

Today I've spent tackling the garden. It's got 10 yrs worth of overgrowth and has been doing whatever the hell it likes for a long time now. I made a promise I would sort it out and I've been cutting, clearing and replanting for over a year now. 

2013

2014
Planted some potatoes along the side. Found a chair!

Today: Before!

Today: After!

It had only recently occurred to me to take Before and After pics. But I can honestly say that was Spoons well spent.

Viennetta in the Bath you say? Cor Decadence! 

(apologies if this shows up twice I tried to post using the app but it's crapp!)

Daily snippet: Voyeurism

According to Blogger I have 1200 page views since I started up last year! 

Yay thanks for the visiting folks!

Yet, I've only had about 5 new subs/tweeters/likers in that time.

Such is the nature of the Internet. And blogging for that matter. Putting personal and private thoughts words out into the void of the Web and the only reciprocation is the knowledge you have been "viewed". 

#SharingSaturday

I would like to thank all the visitors to my page for your support. Even though most of you don't hit that G+ button coz like what does that thing even do?! I re-read that and giggled too... yeah hit my G+ button... hmm. Google did you even notice that? 

Today's post is all about sharing. You guys can keep your #throwbackThursday I wanna start #SharingSaturday. 

This is why:



We've all had one of those days, weeks, months or some of us have even been trapped in our own prisons for years impossible to break free.

It's kinda like you're in a room full of people and you're getting smaller and smaller and quieter and quieter but everyone else is staying the same. Even those in your support network often seem as though they're hard to find in that crowded room. They're trying to find you, oh most assuredly, but you keep making yourself smaller and smaller because the room is just too much. Support only works if you reach out too. I believe this project will help those of us who feel bound by our emotions, trapped in our disabilities and conditions and give us hope and a forever expansive support network. The more people you have in that room to help you, the easier it is for you to find them.

I am a great believer in sending snail mail to people. I have a penpal I have been writing to for over 15 years. You take so much more care in writing letters than you do emails, texts and tweets and it much more satisfying receiving letters that you know someone has taken care to write to you!

I'm well jealous I didn't think of this myself, considering I keep trying to get my friends to write me letters haha.

Link to Support One Million Lovely Letters

Nalabox In Complicated Relationship with: Tomb Raider (2013)

Bet y'all thought I'd say I hate it right? Well, I do.

And I sort of don't.

Me and Lara have had such a turbulent partnership from the outset even before I started to truly play the game. She was to be my first YouTube video upload! But it was not meant to be. My PC, the program I was using and my internet connection was against us from the start. But first impressions aren't always to be taken as they are. You must always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm nice like that. I played the intro of this game repeatedly for 2 weeks until I got it to work. I was already sick of that damn beach, but I wasn't going to let it stop gaining any positive experience of the game, that was just outside factors preventing us from being together.

One of my many distractions. Val @ 3months Old.

I've never played a Tomb Raider game before and thought this would be a good place to start chronologically. Sense made?  

You all saw my moments of joy and rapid escalation into rage at certain points. We all know this game is broken, those gods damn quick-time-only-work-within-certain-pixels-events were a joke. That creepy way she would appear on puppet strings would pull me out of the immersion that we were experiencing that island together. Was that the intention of the game makers? To make us feel like, we are not only witnessing the transformation into the Lara that you all know and love, but that we are experiencing it alongside with her or we are her? I have no idea. Oh boy did I experience that place. It was a very emotionally involving game but not for the game play but the bloody frustration just getting past those glitchy-as-fuck-events. Again, that's not the game really is it? that's the design of the thing messing with me, yes it's a factor as part of any review but it still didn't deter me from playing the game. You guys know I've uninstalled games quicker for a lot less shit happening. It also wasn't realistic for a Survival game either as discussed in a previous blog post clicky here clicky. Yet I still wanted to play it.

I love Lara but I can't stand Lara.

There is a duality to this game. There are in fact two Lara Croft's.

Gameplay Lara and Cut-scene Lara.

If you focus on only one of them you in fact are playing a completely different game. You are presented with a completely different character. It all starts after Cut-scene Lara kills that nameless shouty man. That rapey man. That's the moment when Lara's whole psychology separates to a one where she takes that experience and internalises it and a one where she takes that experience and intensifies it. 

Gameplay Lara is competent and adaptive to her environment. She, or maybe it was me driving the character, is capable of smart survival.The only thing that holds her back is the progress of skills that get unlocked during the game, which I found to be too late to when you would actually need them. Melee weapon. First thing any character in any game is capable of wielding. She had the climbing pick attached to her leg the entire game but couldn't use it to defend herself, she could only dodge but not actually puncture anyone with it or climb certain walls until after certain events that Cut-Scene Lara had to overcome. But she was seemingly perfectly proficient in such skills BEFORE Cut-scene Lara had to learn it. This Lara's character development has been the most engaging and the most complete, in my own honest opinion, that would lead to the persona of the previous games' Lara Croft.

Cut-scene Lara is the portrayal of Lara that upset a lot of people, not only the fans of the previous games but also those who get upset about the portrayal of women in videogames. This Lara is a frilly dress short of the princess in the castle but she's no longer the physically unrealistic woman. I cannot compare this Lara to either of those things as I don't have experience with the previous games and I only learned of the feminist outrage after I played the game for a few hours. We were told this would be a different Lara and that they made her more gritty and believable but this Lara, again in my honest opinion, hasn't developed enough, well she has. but not anywhere near the persona of the Lara Croft's that came before her. She's the alternative reality Lara, who didn't really save herself in the end, I feel like *I* was the one to save her. Our experience of that island was not a shared one, but a one in which I had to drag her skinny little ass up that damn mountain so Gameplay Lara could take care of bidness. 

I did feel like Cut-scene Lara was the person and Gameplay Lara was the split personality. You'd think it would be the other way around apart from as you get near the end of the game some aspects of Gameplay Lara have finally been accepted by Cut-scene Lara and that's when we see actual character development on her part. You can't repress parts of yourself that only causes internal conflict so once she became self aware, competent and we finally had enough XP to buy the skills we should have had hours ago, that Gameplay Lara was clearly capable of, she was no longer a burden for me to trudge along with just to finish the game but the strong independent stereotype-shoving woman they promised us!

Or did she just become the "man" and saved her own Princess? As pointed out here

We've all had a game like that. You go past caring and blank out the glitches and the plot holes and the impossible gameplay just to finish the damn thing and never play it again.

Well I did finish it. I actually finished it months after I was still bringing out videos for it. My PC messed up and I had to play through it AGAIN to catch up to where the videos left off (I lost my footage). Slightly cheaty of me, but that rage and frustration for the River sequence and Mountain village buildings falling down was all real. Extra real because I knew I had to do it again, and again because I'd have to do them again if I wanted to bring out more vids. After my last vid "Glasgae Kiss" an update meant I lost that particular save for some reason and I nearly lost my reason. So I finished the game proper, off camera as it were. It's kinda killed my desire to post videos. Hence the hiatus. You can't enjoy doing the YouTube thing if you don't enjoy the game you're playing. I couldn't face that damn beach again.

I don't know what really to say about those views who say She's a worse portrayal of women in videogames, than her predecessors, because it's a pretty dire situation she's in and yes the element of the princess was there but who could say they would have done any better if put in that same situation? Did she turn into a man as most of the strong male characters were killed off or were bad guys? I don't think saying that is accurate really. She didn't "become the man of the story" as each Gender is capable of expressing characteristics of masculinity and femininity, you don't just switch from one to the other but rather maintain a balance. (society likes to tell you otherwise but that's a whole different debate). In some situations it's more applicable to assume one of those roles in order to respond to it. Maybe the game makers intention was to present a Lara that could balance these aspects but forced us to watch her struggle to get to that point. We all experience every emotion. Regardless of what sex you are. 

Lara, in the end, was just a human being that had a lot of bad shit happen to her and she had to respond to it or die. 

I don't think I would have made it past that first guy in the cave on that damn beach.

Stage 5 Complete!

I've listened to all of the suggestions of the Best Musical Score in a Game Evah like hew!

Number 5:

Megaman X (Youtube playlist)

I have to admit this is the only one I didn't listen to all the way through having listened to Megaman 2 about 1 hour beforehand. I felt like I'd heard it before and I have no idea which game came first. It's placing 5 out of the 13 Soundtracks I was given by fellow Gamers because it's too damn busy! Seems like Megaman never gets a rest in this game judging from the music he's gotta be on the go all the damn time, totally heart pumping action GO GO GO! No time for reflection and whether he's doing the right thing. I never had a Nintendo growing up, so when I listen to this I think Sonic... Which blue speed freak guy came first?

Numba 4: 

Quake (That NiN sound man) 

Being a fan of that guy and never played the game I enjoyed this as purely an extension of his discography. I have no idea about the impact the music itself has on the game play (comparing everything to Mass Effect 3 here by the way). If it's to tell me that Quake is a very futuristic, gritty and despairing world. OMG how much despair and misery must be in this game? Then it does its job perfectly well. I know there is no hope in saving the princess in this game. It feels like she's been flayed for several days before I got it in my head to go to the dark palace and rescue her, only to find my own death waiting for me in the form of the physical manifestation of her last thoughts on whichever planet she came from. *shivers* 

Number Three:

Populous: The Beginning (Just a few tracks)

This was a much needed relief after listening to most of the Halo soundtrack someone suggested, which was weirdly techno and chipper considering the premise of the game. Anyway, Populous pipe music was relaxing with a sense of foreboding but a not-too-serious vibe of: is there going to be a natural disaster or just a wet fart? I'll go to the toilet just in case sense of foreboding.

Numberererer 2:

Quake 2 ( my bad?)   

I know a bunch of you will be all like "But Trent waah wahh herpa derpa!" hear me out. As drenched in the 'popular music sound' as this was it wasn't as depressing. I'm going purely off what the music tells me about the game, I have no idea what the Quake series is about, I'm most likely going to Google them after this here little experiment. This soundtrack told me that even in spite of the shit hitting the fan, that shit is being taken care of! We have a good chance of saving that princess, we are in control! Hope in Humanity will win over all! Yay!

However, there is a high chance we still didn't save the princess because we were too busy pretending we were 15 again and dying our hair black and only playing at the "big boy trousers" coz man when we get to her she's badly mutilated, alive, but we just couldn't quite get all our shit together and that manifestation follows us back to the King as we hand over the husk that is his daughter. We walk away with heavy pockets and even heavier hearts as we hear two shots out of that old man's revolver and we daren't look back coz that sum bitch manifestation looks an awful lot like Mr Reznor and that Number 4 scenario looks at lot nicer from here, but it's not number two coz we're still alive right? Right?!  

Honourable mention before Number 1:

The Bioshock series soundtracks, very enjoyable and not as repetitive as Fallout 3

Stage 1:

You should already know if you read my previous blog post....

Streets of Rage 2 

As soon as Mr KB suggested this my heart was like "Holy shit YES" 

Everything you need to know about a game is in it's music I'm sure of it. This game is serious and witty, and fast paced with a little romance. It has Heart! Reflection and Action! Each track as listed when you hear it you know exactly where you are in the city and what's about to go down. You feel like you've been kicked in the teeth along with Adam, Axel and Blaze but you stand right back up again so sure you're gonna beat every 80's Villain ever with your amazing hair!

Game music:

Can be incredibly misleading. Same with everything else used in advertising in every product ever. But imagine if we bought games just from listening or viewing one particular aspect of it? I say this because I think recently we as consumers are expected to fork out a lot of money on something that publishers think looks good but is just that: an aesthetically pleasing but pay-full-price-for-an-unfinished-product! What I'm saying is most of my assumptions based on just listening to the music of the game may be completely wrong and that's how I feel what is expected of me by the industry. WE need all of those other aspects in order for it to be a worthwhile product to want to Consume!

P.S If you don't agree with my selection well that's tough titty and you should have messaged me to make more suggestions!

Dem chunes!

Heyo!

Been a long ass time so let's get our jig on!

I really enjoy the Mass Effect 3 soundtrack probably more than I should. So much emotional investment in that game and they upset a lot of people but the music from that game is AMAZING! I can't listen to End Once and For All without bubbling up and urging the imaginary Normandy SR-2 to make it past that shock wave! I personally think it's the Best Music Score for a Game (so far) ever! 

Despite my bias I asked some fellow Gamers what they thought was the Best Musical Score for a Game and they gave me a list:

Quake 2
Streets of Rage 2
Kingdom Hearts
Halo
Quake
All Final Fantasy Final Boss Themes (not really a soundtrack but included all the same)
Megaman X

*So Far Streets of Rage 2 is Winning!*** 

It's got Heart and Soul and some Serious Jams man! 
I'm going to listen to them all and compile a top 5. If you have any suggestions please feel free to comment or send me a message!

Check oot the Faceybook

Stuff I hear when I'm here

Sometimes you don't often hear the words of other people's conversations as you approach them, missing the context completely. I put it down to me being partiality deef.

Here are some of the things I (think I) hear between two cities:

Female on Phone- 'That's all the balls I can handle'

Young girl to mother- 'your fat coz you ate the baby'

Young Male 1- 'I'll just walk back in and they'll never know I was gone'
Young Male 2- 'What about the house alarm?'
YM1 'I'll just say it was a robber n' I scared 'im off when I came in'

Young Female 1- 'I was watching this thing the other day and the girl went in the bath to shave her legs then went to shave her bits and just wiggled it about!'
YF2- 'wiggled what about?!'
YF1- 'her bits'
YF3-' eh? It's not detachable!'

(Group of young people watching a music video in a café)
Male 1- 'Urgh what is that music doing?!'
Female 1- 'using images of old people to show what they are singing about'
Male 1-' no! It's emotional blackmail, I don't want to feel sad today!'

YF1-' well her Dad is a car fanatic, he has 3 of the same car!'
YF2- 'oh cool so could she drive us then?'
YF1- 'What? They're not for driving!'

M1- ' I really hate having a poo in there'
M2- 'oh? Just flush and push, that's what I do'

Older Gentleman- 'Blast this Sunshine! You'll have to operate to get me out of this coat!'

YM 1- 'my house flooded in *----*'
YM 2- 'oh no, what are you going to do?'
YM 1-'Going to live in the other one in *---* it's such an inconvenience!'

'So you'll have to carry all that yourself?'
'Hey that's what boobs are for!'

'The library is not for casual reading'

'I have been pleasantly ventilated'

I'm a silent worker so I find most people don't realise I'm there and have very private conversations. I'm not gonna note them down but it makes me more aware of what information we reveal about ourselves when we think no one is listening.

*N.B this has been compiled over a few months and I have omitted names and places to protect the identities of my fellow human beings in the practice of social interaction. Some as my intro suggests I have completely misheard. Or made up ;) *

Nalabox Loathes?: Haunted Memories

It's a horror game. I have high expectations when it comes to horror movies and games.

I want to be given an experience. A thrilling psychological, rock me to my core, re-evaluate my soul, experience. A little over the top perhaps, but I've watched so many movies long and short that have held no joy in finding that experience. Jump scares are okay but used too much and in obvious places gets a thumbs down from me. It just becomes almost comical. 

I heard about this Slender guy....

I watched vids of people of this now infamous figure blackening our screens and scaring the bejeebus out of them. I even saw those "notes" around my home town on Halloween. I gotta get in on this. 

Years later, Haunted Memories comes out. I get it. I pragmatically decide not to try it on Paranormal mode for my first funthrough. Need to look awesome when I record this/

First impressions: Looks pretty. More annoying than scary.

On account of after the intro played it was obvious I was going to encounter our anti-hero but not soon as I take two steps. My character froze and died. Reload. Managed to get past the gate this time He freaked out at a breeze and "died" from the game spinning him around straight into the slender figure. Hmm.

After a few more tries we progressed in the "story" without major incident. Then it updated.

Couldn't load me previous game. No biggie.

Wouldn't even load up the intro. Audio was there though.

Re-Verify? Nope. Reinstall? Nope.

NEXT!

Post-New Year confessional

I recently posted about New Year trends of people almost forcing themselves to commit to an unacheivable goal. This, I reckon, is due to them not fully comprehending what they are asking themselves to do. Going cold turkey, fad dieting or going into a high intensive training program to lose weight. So far I've seen people starting new "boot camp" style exercise programs and give up after a few weeks or gone into the gym thinking going for an hour a day, straight up hammer everything, is good for their bodies. You need to train your body to an appropriate level in order to survive shit like that. Weight loss. Weight loss. Weight loss. It's bloody everywhere!

Well my friends, I'm about to tell you something that will no doubt upset you. I don't intend to. Some of you will downright disown me. So be it. 

I go to the gym....

(pause for dramatic effect, as those people who know me will no doubt be all like "wtf that skinny bitch going to the gym for?!")

....to GAIN weight. 

Read that again.

GAIN. 

Italics. Bold. Underlined. CAPITALISED.

I have secretly been going to the gym for the past 20 weeks.

Let me explain.

I have several groups of friends who don't really know each other but in each of those groups there has been certain people who have made me feel shitty and ashamed of my body, to the point where I feel sick when looking at myself. In comparison, to them, my body is of slim build, okay very slim. Miniature hourglass shaped I guess. Their image of what the perfect body is. Always making a comment about my figure, even calling me names. Which is funny once or twice but not every single time you see someone. "You've got it easy, skinny bitch".

You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? 

Well I have the body I have due to my disability. It's not a healthy body. I do not want my body to be attainable for ANYONE. When one of those bigger girls said they would kill for a body like mine and I told her: "You have to be in pain 24hrs a day, choose between eating or taking your medication but you'll throw up regardless. You'll have to put up with every bug and virus coz you're immune system is fucked, sleep deprivation etc etc".
 She politely declined all that but would be happy with the end result.  

These people have made me feel so damn self conscious I have been avoiding them or wearing as many clothes as possible to cover myself up just to stop the comments (it didn't work alas). I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I was going to the gym. Gym=Weight loss. I would get soo damn anxious just thinking about how that person would react I couldn't bring myself to talk to them.

I get it that when a big person walks down the street they are constantly reminded by society that they should be a thinner version of themselves. We are all bombarded by those images of the "ideal" body. I am bombarded with those images too you know. When a bigger-than-me woman constantly points out how thin I am, it's a constant reminder to me that I am also not the "ideal" body type. I look at those images and see I fall short of that unobtainable dream body. Some reading this will think "No you're not" Well I've seen me naked and I'm telling you, friend, that I am not something you want for yourself. Trust me on this. 

This is one of those images. This is not healthy.

I know some of you, maybe one bird in particular will be like, "Oh Kee why were you bothering with people like that in the first place?" Well they were all I had CC. Bullied people often become bullies themselves. Those people did not like themselves and I was a reminder of something they couldn't achieve. That made me a target. 

I just want to make you understand that losing a few pounds is fine but please don't think that you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself. This body does NOT make me feel good about myself. Constantly reminding ANYONE of their weight, big or small, is not a nice nor healthy thing to do.

I am also writing this confessional because another one of my friends, who has a different disability and is a big busty girl, started to go to the gym. One of her "friends" said "Oh I'm surprised you know what a gym is for"

I say fuck you buddy!

I don't think you truly understand what a gym is actually for. Nor do many of the people who go there specifically to lose weight.

I have increased my mobility and range of movement. My circulation has improved. Breathing better. Better immune system. Improved posture leading to minor back pain. Most of all gaining a healthy appetite. All these wonderful things and more. Weight loss is a happy side effect of cardio and core strength training. 

I have spoken to many of my fellow gym goers and they are all there for different reasons. And you know what was last on their agenda? That's right: loss. 

They were all there to GAIN 

Italics, Bold, Underlined, CAPITALISED. 

Stamina, Muscle Strength, Mobility, Healthy Hearts, Confidence and one old lady said Vitality.  

And you know what, I have gained a vitality to myself that wasn't there before. I know that I don't need to cater to people who do not understand my body the way I do. I know it's me who needs to accept my body for the way it is not anyone else. I can walk 30 yards and not feel like crumbling up or crying my eyes out. My clothes don't feel like they are 100lbs weights. I don't get bruises on my hips from elastic. I can walk my dog. I have freedom from my body. Do you know how fucking good that feels? 

I'm allowed to take pride in the steps I took and the sacrifices I've had to make in order to achieve this. "My pain is different to yours, but it is still pain".

I can laugh now the anxiety I had about confessing my Gym activities has gone away. I'm still expecting some negative comments though, but I can tell you now, it hurt more because I wanted to be more like them. Y'know big and curvy. I suppose their argument would be the same:

 "don't think you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself". 

I may lose some friends but I have GAINED myself.