Post-New Year confessional

I recently posted about New Year trends of people almost forcing themselves to commit to an unacheivable goal. This, I reckon, is due to them not fully comprehending what they are asking themselves to do. Going cold turkey, fad dieting or going into a high intensive training program to lose weight. So far I've seen people starting new "boot camp" style exercise programs and give up after a few weeks or gone into the gym thinking going for an hour a day, straight up hammer everything, is good for their bodies. You need to train your body to an appropriate level in order to survive shit like that. Weight loss. Weight loss. Weight loss. It's bloody everywhere!

Well my friends, I'm about to tell you something that will no doubt upset you. I don't intend to. Some of you will downright disown me. So be it. 

I go to the gym....

(pause for dramatic effect, as those people who know me will no doubt be all like "wtf that skinny bitch going to the gym for?!")

....to GAIN weight. 

Read that again.

GAIN. 

Italics. Bold. Underlined. CAPITALISED.

I have secretly been going to the gym for the past 20 weeks.

Let me explain.

I have several groups of friends who don't really know each other but in each of those groups there has been certain people who have made me feel shitty and ashamed of my body, to the point where I feel sick when looking at myself. In comparison, to them, my body is of slim build, okay very slim. Miniature hourglass shaped I guess. Their image of what the perfect body is. Always making a comment about my figure, even calling me names. Which is funny once or twice but not every single time you see someone. "You've got it easy, skinny bitch".

You're probably thinking: what's the big deal? 

Well I have the body I have due to my disability. It's not a healthy body. I do not want my body to be attainable for ANYONE. When one of those bigger girls said they would kill for a body like mine and I told her: "You have to be in pain 24hrs a day, choose between eating or taking your medication but you'll throw up regardless. You'll have to put up with every bug and virus coz you're immune system is fucked, sleep deprivation etc etc".
 She politely declined all that but would be happy with the end result.  

These people have made me feel so damn self conscious I have been avoiding them or wearing as many clothes as possible to cover myself up just to stop the comments (it didn't work alas). I just couldn't bring myself to tell them I was going to the gym. Gym=Weight loss. I would get soo damn anxious just thinking about how that person would react I couldn't bring myself to talk to them.

I get it that when a big person walks down the street they are constantly reminded by society that they should be a thinner version of themselves. We are all bombarded by those images of the "ideal" body. I am bombarded with those images too you know. When a bigger-than-me woman constantly points out how thin I am, it's a constant reminder to me that I am also not the "ideal" body type. I look at those images and see I fall short of that unobtainable dream body. Some reading this will think "No you're not" Well I've seen me naked and I'm telling you, friend, that I am not something you want for yourself. Trust me on this. 

This is one of those images. This is not healthy.

I know some of you, maybe one bird in particular will be like, "Oh Kee why were you bothering with people like that in the first place?" Well they were all I had CC. Bullied people often become bullies themselves. Those people did not like themselves and I was a reminder of something they couldn't achieve. That made me a target. 

I just want to make you understand that losing a few pounds is fine but please don't think that you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself. This body does NOT make me feel good about myself. Constantly reminding ANYONE of their weight, big or small, is not a nice nor healthy thing to do.

I am also writing this confessional because another one of my friends, who has a different disability and is a big busty girl, started to go to the gym. One of her "friends" said "Oh I'm surprised you know what a gym is for"

I say fuck you buddy!

I don't think you truly understand what a gym is actually for. Nor do many of the people who go there specifically to lose weight.

I have increased my mobility and range of movement. My circulation has improved. Breathing better. Better immune system. Improved posture leading to minor back pain. Most of all gaining a healthy appetite. All these wonderful things and more. Weight loss is a happy side effect of cardio and core strength training. 

I have spoken to many of my fellow gym goers and they are all there for different reasons. And you know what was last on their agenda? That's right: loss. 

They were all there to GAIN 

Italics, Bold, Underlined, CAPITALISED. 

Stamina, Muscle Strength, Mobility, Healthy Hearts, Confidence and one old lady said Vitality.  

And you know what, I have gained a vitality to myself that wasn't there before. I know that I don't need to cater to people who do not understand my body the way I do. I know it's me who needs to accept my body for the way it is not anyone else. I can walk 30 yards and not feel like crumbling up or crying my eyes out. My clothes don't feel like they are 100lbs weights. I don't get bruises on my hips from elastic. I can walk my dog. I have freedom from my body. Do you know how fucking good that feels? 

I'm allowed to take pride in the steps I took and the sacrifices I've had to make in order to achieve this. "My pain is different to yours, but it is still pain".

I can laugh now the anxiety I had about confessing my Gym activities has gone away. I'm still expecting some negative comments though, but I can tell you now, it hurt more because I wanted to be more like them. Y'know big and curvy. I suppose their argument would be the same:

 "don't think you need a body like mine to feel good about yourself". 

I may lose some friends but I have GAINED myself.